This year makes 17 years together. Over half of my life has been spent with you by my side. You stood by me as I became a woman, mother, made and lost friends, lost family, dealt with strained relationships, and hardships. You loved me through my anxiety and postpartum depression. You fought for me and for us. You stayed with me when many would have walked away.
I want to openly thank you. Thank you for staying and fighting for us. Thank you for ensuring that I see what true, unhindered love is. You expect nothing from me in return, except for me to love you back. And I have a lot of love to give away.
I'm a challenge. I'm a dichotomy in one body. I'm soft and sweet. I'm hardened and pained. I'm thoughtful and empathetic, but I'll cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I'm sensitive to the point that I can't watch the news without crying. It pains me to see others in pain. I cry if anyone cries, even a complete stranger will elicit tears that I can't stop from spilling out. I'm patient, but impatient with those I love most. I strive to be a better mother, friend, sister, and wife. I also rejoice in my many mistakes. I ride the wave of mundane because sometimes that's easier. I listen to music that is very sexual in content while making a Hallelujah sign (Pandora - Ride Radio currently holds my heart). I'm generous with my smile and wave, but I love a well placed side eye at people. I'm type A and cranky, but I'll make anything into a sexual pun. I'm self conscious and awkward but when I'm around people that understand me, I'm open, loud, funny, silly and fun.
You put it best, I'm an 18 year old boy trapped in a woman's body.
You're the only one that has been behind the steel curtain of my soul. You know my pain. You've held me as I've cried. Talked to me about how to handle relationships. Felt my pain as we've talked about family members addiction and how to move forward. You hold me when I wake from an anxiety fueled nightmare. You've been the only one to really see me. All 100% of my personality. Not the watered down part everyone else gets. You laugh when I answer the phone "Hey douche" and send you random middle finger emojis throughout the day to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm a self-sabator (spelling?!?!?) and I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall and my life to fall into pieces. I know it sounds like I'm pessimistic, but I have a profoundly positive and upbeat take on life. You smile as I rock our boys, knowing I would give anything to make them happy. You don't blink twice after the boys are in bed and the F bombs and dirty jokes come back out. You can have an intellectual conversation with me but laugh when I don't know where countries are. You love my brass attitude. And I love you and your 'za jokes (ugh, the worst).
The best part of all this mess is that I'm beginning to not just accept this woman, but love myself for all of my quirks. I'm able to love myself because you've shown me how. You've loved me through my panic of loosing our son (thank you postpartum anxiety). You laugh at my stupid jokes. You make me feel like Beyonce as I dance in the kitchen. You give me a little smile as I cry at every episode of This is Us. You tease me for my love of awkwardly and unapologetically waving and inviting neighbors over to be friends. You accept me. Every bitchy, sweet, fierce, southern, lovely piece of me. I'm a handful, and it takes a strong man to accept and love me for that.
You have helped cultivate a creative side of myself that had been left untapped. I'm able to foster my creative side because of your support. You researched my silhouette and was hell bent on getting me the best possible one. You see a part of me that is sometimes blinded in my own self doubt and insecurities. You've pushed me to start my own business and allow the world to see my creations.
I found myself in loving you. I found that I'm terrible at geography, science, directions and maybe the worst speller of all times. But I found that I'm good at so much more. I'm good at loving. I'm a good friend and listener. I'm a good mom (for the most part...). I'm a creative woman. You've taught me that because certain pillars in my life have fallen and crumbed, that doesn't mean you will do the same. You cherish us, as do I. You have been my steady pillar. You have supported me and made me stand taller. You work hard for your family and are ever evolving to become the man I need and the father our boys need.
I love you. I appreciate you and all of your love.
Forever and always,
Poodles
